Which one of these pictures doesn't belong here?

I know I really should be in bed now. But I can't. You know what they say about bitter medicine being good for the sick. And I know my friends have my interests at heart -- no matter how they administer the medicine.

But I didn't expect to walk away from a casual exchange feeling like a damn pariah. Within those 5 minutes, it felt like my heart just broke a second time.

I: laugh, where you working
X: hmmm. you didn't know? same place as xxx
I: no lah dunno, what place
X: well not important :)

I could have brushed off my friend's comment, walked away then and there, to sleep, as I've planned to, after a few more pleasantries. But I got pissed, and then I started to feel indignant. I only wanted to know where my friend was working. That they are now colleagues was not surprising in any case. And I sat before the screen, trying to walk away, but I chose not to.

I: ok i dont understrand, what's with not letting me know where you work
X: nothing secret, but i just thought you would rather not know
I: why? just coz you aer xxx;s colleague?
X: because it's not a good idea to harp on that. once left behind, don't look back
I: how will knowing where YOU work change that. my point is i was gonna ask you anyway whetre you working, not coz you told me you now work with xxx
X: i understand that. but because i said that, there is a point of correspondence now. which may seem meaningless, but it's still exists

I've always referred to him by name or as "the bear". Because that is how I remember him. Because there is something so terribly final about calling someone your "ex". Because I still think of him as a person. It's not as if he's ceased to exist on this earth, and I'm very sure he still walks and talks and breathes. It's not as if I wish that he had never been born.

But really, am I expected to then cease and eliminate all contact with EVERYTHING that has been touched by my ex? You know, if it comes down to it, why should *I* be the one giving it all up anyway? Haven't I already gotten my share, if not more than fair, of the pain? Am I now condemned because of this huge X over my face?

And you know something else...call me paranoid, call me neurotic, I don't care...does my ex feel that I should remove all traces of myself from his life? Am I an unwanted residue in anyone's life? Am I making anyone just a tad too uncomfortable? Is this what it's been all about?

Say what you mean and mean what you say. No more of this bullshit about wanting to stay "friends" after the break-up.

I know in my heart that my friend has my interest in his heart. I never saw this coming either.

But I don't think I've felt such anguish for a very long time -- things have actually been trotting along pleasantly enough.

If truth be told, I still miss him. I still think about him. I still love him -- though no longer "in love". And I've also moved on with life. How is that possible? If you could look into my heart, you would know. If I could give words to the unknown language of my heart, I would write them on the lines of your palm.

- - - - - - - - - -

Let's just say PMS, lack of sleep, work stress, and a not so good hair-cut don't make a good stew.